So here’s a quandary…
I had this friend. She’s someone I met at work almost 30 years ago. About 4 years ago she…hmmmm…I want to say “went off the rails” but that sounds too judge-y. Let’s just say that she had a lot of changes in her life…which, for her privacy, I won’t go into. She also got very snappy. It felt to me as though during every conversation we had I was either boring her to tears or she was picking at everything I said. She would frequently walk right past me desk without acknowledging my presence. I kept cutting her slack until about 2 -2 1/2 years or so ago when we were having a conversation about vacations. She was planning a vacation with two friends from work. “I dunno,” I said, “there’s no one here I’d want to vacation with. I mean, I go on vacation to get away from work, not take it along with me.” And she snapped something along the lines of “Well, nobody cares about your opinion because you never travel anyway.” And marched off.
And for a few minutes I was angry. And hurt. And then I realized that I just didn’t care. That she had sort of eroded our friendship down to this little nub and this last comment just snapped the nub right off.
Now she acts as though everything is normal. She just gave me a birthday present, which now means that, unless I can think of a tactful, non-confrontational way to give it back to her, I’ll be exchanging Christmas and birthday presents. But I sort of don’t want to. I know I should feel all warm and fuzzy about our past friendship…but I really don’t. I recognize that she is trying…hell, she drove down from Baltimore to be at my mom’s memorial service last year…but I just don’t care. We don’t have anything much in common. Other than work. (I mean, I could probably count on two hands the number of times we've ever gotten together outside of work.) And, unfortunately, she’s sort of tarred with the “oh-my-god-I-hate-work-when-am-I-
going-to-be-able-to-retire-I-am-so-damned-tired-of-everyone-I-
work-with” brush.
So…any tactful ways to return a present or do I suck it up and pretend everything’s fine and hope that eventually I feel friendly towards her again? And what is wrong with me that I can look back at 30 years of friendship and just say, “eh”?
12 comments:
Sounds like untreated depression among other things. Interesting info here: www.depressionfallout.com.
She sounds pretty "eh"-worthy to me. It may be 30 years, but that doesn't exactly sound like a friendship to me -- more like a hot-and-cold when-it-suits-her kind of relationship. Me, I'm not confrontational enough to return a present... but you could reciprocate with something super impersonal, like a candle or an unspectacular vase. It doesn't sound like she's one to take nonverbal cues too well anyway, so cut your losses.
Oh dear.
I wouldn't return the gift, but instead of getting drawn into future gift exchanges, I think I'd simply give her a not-overly-gushy birthday card and leave it at that. Perhaps she'll get the message.
Mary Lou...her depression? Or mine? :^)
I like Lisa's route. I don't think I have the nerve to not give a present when she's given me one. But I can certainly go small.
You don't return the present, unless it's the family diamond. On the otherhand, a cheap nasty fruit cake is just the thing " here's the present I owe you, now go away."
What everyone else already said. Except I'd go with Miss T. and give a card, nothing else. Even a crappy little gift might imply you're feeling somewhat warm and cozy. If she asks why no gift, just say something about how you're trying to simplify your life. Hee.
Sign me, Amy the Mean
Heh, well, honey, if she reads your blog, you're problems are over!
Of course, I meant "your" not "you're." Sigh. Really, I'm educated, I are damnit!
Hey! How'd that get fixed? Or ... could it be ... I really went over the edge and am totally loony?
Fortunately, she doesn't know I have a blog. (We just don't talk much anymore.)
Life is too short to surround yourself with negative people who bring you down. One little gift does not make up for years of making you feel bad. Don't give gifts you don't mean and don't feel guilty about it!
Not you! I just meant to say not to take it personally - this woman sounds like she has a lot of issues that folks with clinical depression have. Happy Thanksgiving!
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